Spending the nights out with the stars (4th August 2010)

For more photos,my friends,it's on my Facebook.

31st July 2010, Helix bridge and HomeTeam NS

For more photos,my friends,it's on my Facebook.

Retro 90's

In retrospect speaking up would end this.

Hold on to it..stand by me..

My Profession, My Interest, My Love.

Sometime, I just wanna take breather from all the happenings...

One by itself, why did it fell without others...?

Would you? For your comfort, and to lead me....

Give me something to believe in, cos I am just living by breathing air..

My world, is turning colorless...monotone...

F.M.L

Went back to NP today, to meet my friends, Mark and XueFen.
Going back there brings back a lot of good memories, I miss those days in school.
Talking about plants also made me happy,
I guess it really lighten me up, from all the emo-ness that I am inflicting on myself.

Mark said I was expecting too much for my NS life.
Maybe I was, maybe I should just let it go, and finish it.
But I couldn't, it's not that I don't like the camp,
I prioritize my interests over the benefits that I am getting.
I would rather feel tired from doing something that I enjoy doing,
rather than getting tired doing stuff that I don't like at all,
and helping other people do work that they can't finish.

I feel more tired in the latter, because my mind couldn't focus on what I am doing.
Even though my workload was mangeable (quite slack I would say)
and I had to cover up for someone elses'
because he is incompetent, and everyone refuses to let him do the job.
Everything eventually went down to me.
In the first place, why is he here? And why put me here?

I don't know..now I feel lethargic going to camp these days.


XueFen went to enrol for University of Queensland, Bachelor in Applied Science.
And I found out that the school fees per annum is a whooping $38,000.
If I were to go, where am I suppose to get the money?
And it's not even inclusive of accommodation and travelling costs.


I am tired......why am I feeling so tired everytime...?

借酒消愁 is not the way to get out of problems.
But I am addicted to it...

If you were to give me a Pentax K-X dual kit,
I may not even be happy.

I think, it's just too hard for me to let go.
I have been denying the fact that actually something is there holding me back.

My entries are repetitive,
there's not much for me to express anymore.

Making myself busy with work,
tiring myself out, is making everything worse.
I guess the method of keeping one self busy to forget things is not working for me anymore...

Life is in such a mess for me right now,
I..........am tired of this life....

Some people mature faster,
while some people do not.

I guess I belong to the latter.
Seeing how my friends react to different situations,
I am thinking hard, what have they went through?
And me?
I am not as independent as people think I am...
When I am motivated to do things, usually the source of power is from my friends, around me.

Right now...
I am alone...............

Freaking emo, I dont know why.
I miss my friends, I miss driving.

Though the NSF life that I am leading now is what most NSF would die for;
admin work,
this is not what I really want to be.

Giving me false hopes, bringing me up.
Then dropped me down, with a reply say it may not work.
It's torturing to me, I feel wasted, I feel weak.
I am praying everyday that time would pass by fast.
Hoping that my friends from other unit will sms me, update me,
so that time wont pass so slow.

A qualified driver, doing what an Ops Spec do.
In the first place, why do I learn driving?

Hope after I am done with what I am suppose to do now,
I can go to the unit that I want.

Right now? I have to stop thinking so much,
thinking so much wont help anyway.
As each day passes by, I can only pray...

I am sorry that anyone who reads my blog has to keep reading my same rants and grunts over and over again..
Do people still my blog in the first place......?

I dont wish to keep typing...
If only I can find someone to talk to...


:'(

Finally after 4 weeks, I met my dear AFV friends. Though not everyone was there, at least I got to meet at least 2 of my friends that I missed the most, Josiah and YongHao. It was great to see them after so long, at least I can see that they are doing fine. Somehow, I don't know what to talk about when I see them, but I got a lot of stuff to say. I guess seeing them is enough for me.

Met them at Army Market @ Beach road, then went to K Box with Darren, JianXiang, XianYing and YongHao. Sorry to make you guys go K Box, when I saw their tired faces, it makes me feel bad. It was suppose to be their rest day, and I made them go K Box with me. Though everyone was ok with going K Box, but I still feel that I should have given up the K Box time in return for their rest.

All in all, it was a good Sunday spent with my friends. (:


But I still wish I am in an active battalion. ):

Sobbing like mad, I cant remember when was the last time I cried so hard for something. I couldn't catch my breath. Now my reason isn't because of company, it's because I can't accept the fact that I went through so much shit and I have to do this kind of work now.

No one to pour my sorrows to, what am I suppose to do?
It's unfair for me, why am I the one?

This turning point is too wide a turn for me,
I am tipping over.

Sob

Slept at 3am, woke up at 7am. Usually I would sleep till 10am, I dont know why.

I miss my friends.....sobsob..

Give me a slightest chance of hope....

I scraped my previous post that I wanted to blog about 1 week plus ago, something about responsibility. But now, I guess that post will deem redundant......

I am posted to 2PDF, something that I thought it wouldnt be so bad, but until the other person who went with me was......someone which everyone in my course disliked. My superior was also puzzled why he came here, I dont know why too. It's a mental torture, seriously to be around him. It's just....disturbing I would say. Even other people who met him for the first time said, "Ya, can see, he's abit slow." Pardon me, abit?! It's like we are using i7 core now, he's still using Pentium 1. Maybe I guess that's why he was posted here. He wont get to see the vehicle, let alone touching the steering wheel. Maybe that's why he was posted here to keep him out from trouble.

I am still depressed that I have to spend the rest of my NS life with him, my encik still tell me to try accepting him for the way he is. Please, if I were to accept the way he is, and make him my friend, I would be retarded, and I would have already done so earlier since I knew him 4 months ago. Being around him is degrading my intelligence, his strange accent, and impoliteness to interrupt other people's conversation is the key factor that everyone dislikes him. I dont even want to look at him when I speak with him. Is he that oblivious to how other people treat him? Or he is trying hard to get people to accept him?

I dont feel guilty right now, badmouthing about him. Maybe this is my retribution for treating like that during the training days. But who cares, working with me will not be easy especially when it's him.

I really hope that I can go back to the active unit. I really missed driving the vehicle. That is one factor, the other factor would be I missed all my friends. Being here alone sucks, especially with someone that I cannot and dont want to communicate with.

This feeling sucks, and am I always the one to experience this?

I am exhausted........