My Profession, My Interest, My Love.

Sometime, I just wanna take breather from all the happenings...

One by itself, why did it fell without others...?

Would you? For your comfort, and to lead me....

Give me something to believe in, cos I am just living by breathing air..

My world, is turning colorless...monotone...

F.M.L

Went back to NP today, to meet my friends, Mark and XueFen.
Going back there brings back a lot of good memories, I miss those days in school.
Talking about plants also made me happy,
I guess it really lighten me up, from all the emo-ness that I am inflicting on myself.

Mark said I was expecting too much for my NS life.
Maybe I was, maybe I should just let it go, and finish it.
But I couldn't, it's not that I don't like the camp,
I prioritize my interests over the benefits that I am getting.
I would rather feel tired from doing something that I enjoy doing,
rather than getting tired doing stuff that I don't like at all,
and helping other people do work that they can't finish.

I feel more tired in the latter, because my mind couldn't focus on what I am doing.
Even though my workload was mangeable (quite slack I would say)
and I had to cover up for someone elses'
because he is incompetent, and everyone refuses to let him do the job.
Everything eventually went down to me.
In the first place, why is he here? And why put me here?

I don't know..now I feel lethargic going to camp these days.


XueFen went to enrol for University of Queensland, Bachelor in Applied Science.
And I found out that the school fees per annum is a whooping $38,000.
If I were to go, where am I suppose to get the money?
And it's not even inclusive of accommodation and travelling costs.


I am tired......why am I feeling so tired everytime...?

借酒消愁 is not the way to get out of problems.
But I am addicted to it...

If you were to give me a Pentax K-X dual kit,
I may not even be happy.

I think, it's just too hard for me to let go.
I have been denying the fact that actually something is there holding me back.

My entries are repetitive,
there's not much for me to express anymore.

Making myself busy with work,
tiring myself out, is making everything worse.
I guess the method of keeping one self busy to forget things is not working for me anymore...

Life is in such a mess for me right now,
I..........am tired of this life....

Some people mature faster,
while some people do not.

I guess I belong to the latter.
Seeing how my friends react to different situations,
I am thinking hard, what have they went through?
And me?
I am not as independent as people think I am...
When I am motivated to do things, usually the source of power is from my friends, around me.

Right now...
I am alone...............

Freaking emo, I dont know why.
I miss my friends, I miss driving.

Though the NSF life that I am leading now is what most NSF would die for;
admin work,
this is not what I really want to be.

Giving me false hopes, bringing me up.
Then dropped me down, with a reply say it may not work.
It's torturing to me, I feel wasted, I feel weak.
I am praying everyday that time would pass by fast.
Hoping that my friends from other unit will sms me, update me,
so that time wont pass so slow.

A qualified driver, doing what an Ops Spec do.
In the first place, why do I learn driving?

Hope after I am done with what I am suppose to do now,
I can go to the unit that I want.

Right now? I have to stop thinking so much,
thinking so much wont help anyway.
As each day passes by, I can only pray...

I am sorry that anyone who reads my blog has to keep reading my same rants and grunts over and over again..
Do people still my blog in the first place......?

I dont wish to keep typing...
If only I can find someone to talk to...


:'(

Finally after 4 weeks, I met my dear AFV friends. Though not everyone was there, at least I got to meet at least 2 of my friends that I missed the most, Josiah and YongHao. It was great to see them after so long, at least I can see that they are doing fine. Somehow, I don't know what to talk about when I see them, but I got a lot of stuff to say. I guess seeing them is enough for me.

Met them at Army Market @ Beach road, then went to K Box with Darren, JianXiang, XianYing and YongHao. Sorry to make you guys go K Box, when I saw their tired faces, it makes me feel bad. It was suppose to be their rest day, and I made them go K Box with me. Though everyone was ok with going K Box, but I still feel that I should have given up the K Box time in return for their rest.

All in all, it was a good Sunday spent with my friends. (:


But I still wish I am in an active battalion. ):

Sobbing like mad, I cant remember when was the last time I cried so hard for something. I couldn't catch my breath. Now my reason isn't because of company, it's because I can't accept the fact that I went through so much shit and I have to do this kind of work now.

No one to pour my sorrows to, what am I suppose to do?
It's unfair for me, why am I the one?

This turning point is too wide a turn for me,
I am tipping over.

Sob

Slept at 3am, woke up at 7am. Usually I would sleep till 10am, I dont know why.

I miss my friends.....sobsob..

Give me a slightest chance of hope....

I scraped my previous post that I wanted to blog about 1 week plus ago, something about responsibility. But now, I guess that post will deem redundant......

I am posted to 2PDF, something that I thought it wouldnt be so bad, but until the other person who went with me was......someone which everyone in my course disliked. My superior was also puzzled why he came here, I dont know why too. It's a mental torture, seriously to be around him. It's just....disturbing I would say. Even other people who met him for the first time said, "Ya, can see, he's abit slow." Pardon me, abit?! It's like we are using i7 core now, he's still using Pentium 1. Maybe I guess that's why he was posted here. He wont get to see the vehicle, let alone touching the steering wheel. Maybe that's why he was posted here to keep him out from trouble.

I am still depressed that I have to spend the rest of my NS life with him, my encik still tell me to try accepting him for the way he is. Please, if I were to accept the way he is, and make him my friend, I would be retarded, and I would have already done so earlier since I knew him 4 months ago. Being around him is degrading my intelligence, his strange accent, and impoliteness to interrupt other people's conversation is the key factor that everyone dislikes him. I dont even want to look at him when I speak with him. Is he that oblivious to how other people treat him? Or he is trying hard to get people to accept him?

I dont feel guilty right now, badmouthing about him. Maybe this is my retribution for treating like that during the training days. But who cares, working with me will not be easy especially when it's him.

I really hope that I can go back to the active unit. I really missed driving the vehicle. That is one factor, the other factor would be I missed all my friends. Being here alone sucks, especially with someone that I cannot and dont want to communicate with.

This feeling sucks, and am I always the one to experience this?

I am exhausted........

I wish, I could be there when you are feeling down.
But you were always able to get over it somehow.
I am relieved, but am I able to give you what you're looking for?


Cross country is over, public road driving soon.
Somehow I am not looking forward to it.
I hope it will pass by fast.

The weather has been really crazy lately.
It has somehow affected my emotions.
Tired, but I am glad I have my coursemates around.
They are a lively bunch of people which never fails to keep me laughing,
and the encouragement.

Thank you guys.

Had dinner with my poly clique friends at Badoque@Simpang Bedok.
Went to my friend's house before that, and he dropped me off at Simpang Bedok.
Though not everyone was present, but still it's a good dinner.
I wouldn't mind going back for dinner again.
The steak is....I would say....humongous.
Pictures are not with me, so I have no evident proof.
But I really had difficulty finishing it.
When it was served, I was shocked at the portion of it, and it's only 16 bucks.

Glad that everyone is still doing well;
Nisa got herself an iPhone, it's about time she upgrade her phone.
But not with a make-do screen protector. Gaozheng said it was like she cut it out from the front of a plastic file.

Malyna got a job in NParks, as a plant records officer. She is taking CUGE courses for free!!! How I wish I don't have to go through the life of an NSF.

Elfie, pending status, but still involved in his NCC activities. Passionate I guess, I will never be interested in taking part in uniform groups. Glad I didn't took it during my secondary school.

Gaozheng, still surviving, hope he can make it through the remaining time of his NSF. He's gonna ORD before me! WTH. Hais.

WenXiang, my look-alike, 8-5 clerk at Naval Base, wears civilian clothes to work. He got admitted into NUS! Congrats, hahahaha. Finally someone in our clique is going take a Bachelor degree!

Whereas for me, a driver. I hope I don't forget my Horticulture stuff after my NSF life. I want to further my studies in this line, I want to see plants everyday!

All in all, good time spent with right people. (:

Was looking for a picture to go with this post..
But I don't know what kind of picture that I want to go with this post.

Well,it's been long since I play with Photoshop...
I got a feeling I lost a bit of touch to it. Ok, maybe quite a lot.
Well, last two weeks were just slacking in air-conditioned environment and wait..
Wait...and wait for our news on when my course starts...

Finally, the wait is over. The course started today. Well, it's a stay-in course. So I'm suppose to be in camp at this moment, but the 9 of us only got the news that we were supposed to bring our stay-in stuff today. Hence, we had a nights out for us to get our barang barang and book in later at night. Somehow, I was half expecting this to happen. The other half was wishing that we could stay out for this week.

SHOOTS! This is so mentally draining. Course just started today and there is a theory test this Friday?! Thick course manual, short period of time...Let's just hope it will be a smooth journey for me.

My course would be 5 weeks long. I certainly hope times flies. Somewhat, I can't explain or understand what is this emotions that I am having now.

Maybe I don't like the idea of staying in?
Or maybe I am too tired from Sunday's events; waking up at 6am and slept at 12 midnight?
Or maybe my mind is preoccupied by you....

Alright, time's up. I need to book in....wish me luck!

I felt overjoyed, but the emotion is short-lived.
Even though I passed, I still have friends who are still trying hard to pass the TP.
Somehow I couldn't feel happy for too long.

Past seven weeks was....I would say a mixture of pleasant and unpleasant learning journey for me.
Tough part was the scolding whenever I make mistake, no doubt anger accelerated through each driving lessons. Nearing the end, somehow everything took a U-turn and I received more encouragement then scolding from my assigned instructor.

Frankly speaking, I was expecting myself to pass on the 4th attempt of the driving test. Sadly, I did not and I was upset with myself for getting 18 demerit with no major fault. Somehow I felt that I let my instructor down after he gave me so much encouragement before I took the test. Other trainers were talking bad about my instructor behind his back, as his 4 trainees were already on the 3rd and 4th attempt of the test and no one make it through. They doubted his teaching. Because of this, I wanted to prove to the others that my trainer imparted whatever he knew to us. But the following day, 3 of us passed. He was overjoyed. I've never seen him laugh so wholeheartedly before. I was happy too. Did my Island Wide Confident Driving with him as well, he said words that touched me. I never thought we would be so friendly with each other. After all, he's my trainer and I'm his trainee.

Thank you Mr Tan, for the past 7 weeks. Thank you for all the teaching and tips that will aid me in improving my driving skills in the future. (:


Now, it's time for bed. I need my rest.

There is an array of feelings that I am feeling right now.

So much things to express, I should have updated earlier.
But now, I am rushing. So till next time.

Take care people, drink more water.
Otherwise, you will end up like me; sore throat and dry throat. Argh.